Everyday

Everyday

I will send her diatribes and sonnets

a week will go by so slowly as she delays. 

K2 will have been peaked

Jonquilles will have woken up to spring

Revolutions will have been planned and executed

Before she will say:

There is much to say, and not much I'm sure I should.

She leaves it there.

She leads and leaves me there

I will sit at her borders and beg.

I will show her my depths

that bear her flags

And another week will go by so slowly before she will say:

I have not gotten over you.

And nothing more.

I will recall to her that from her lips my heart still pours.

I will bleed to her.

And another week will go by so slowly

I will have met a bodhisattva

crawled through Einstein's biography

listened to Rachmaninoff for the first time

I will want to share all of this with her

to reclaim the years we lost apart,

but she will only send arrows of intimacy-

from the safety of her solitude

I will think that she is teasing me

I don't know if it's to be left

Or lead.

I will think that she is caging herself from me

Or me from her.

I will remember that her parents named her Aubrey, from the song that sings:

"I never knew her but I loved her just the same".

I will hate them for it.

There are encyclopedias of other names

I will name her Ardent Hello

Then, I will not call her every bad name in my head

When, I am more honest 

I will call the incredible love I bear her

Worse names.

I would erase every word

That I have ever said

If it meant she would really talk to me again.

Everyday, I walk the tightrope

between regretting I ever met her

and regretting not knowing how to stop her from slipping away.

I cannot understand her heart

Even though she is states away,

this world is not so big 

that I do not feel her everyday

it is not so small

that I know there are borders

I may never cross.