Once Was

When I was a keiki I was fat
I was supa fat
Dey said I looked like one sumo wrestla
it was a compliment!
big girls, on my island, look like money-
Numba one dey can afford to eat
Numba two dey can prolly cook ono grinds
Numba tree if dey can't cook, dey know wherea da good food stay
Big girls have strong curves, a life fulla flava

Dey are survivors.
But when I was 12, my muddah said we was moving to Oklahoma
I had to pull out a map to find out where was
She said- it's da land of da poniolo- da cowboy
I said shoots brah- I like ponies.

I went to highschool in Edmond, Oklahoma
land of the Malibu Barbie

where girls are dying inside
they kept asking if I could hula, if I lived in a grass hut
they kept saying I looked so dark
I looked so dark.
I cut my language on their tongue
my tongue lost it's appetite & I grew small

I didn't want to fit in as much as I didn't want to stick out
in this landlocked state where differences are not celebrated

I contracted their obviously emaciated instead self-worth

When I return home, so much has changed
I have changed
I look more like Malibu Barbie than my auntie
I can't eat as I once could
There are many of us- the nomads
people without a place that we come from
with a dormant vocabulary sitting in our mouths like breastmilk
for the grown

Most of the people I know are on their way

to their bodies

they have bought plane tickets from places

that can never take them home.

My arms aren't big enough to hold them

or maybe that's just an excuse

cuz dere's a reason I stay hea

maybe it's just for say-

sista, memba da time I tol you big girls look like money?

you look like money

My Beloved Stephen- on hearing you stopped believing in a soul.

you fought so hard to survive
through silence,
you found your voice again
we needed to hear it
like fields waiting for rain.
You reworked synapses
ground your muscles to move when they insisted
on returning to dust.


I know, my brave hero,
that you are tired.
It is terrifying to die,
to stop existing in your own mind
but you would welcome the respite.
As hard as you've fought,
you watched from your crooked chair
as everyone everywhere
ignores our fragility
and destroys this corner of the world
that you loved so well.


My beautiful Stephen,
you are the only man I would marry
the only father I would foster
I can't imagine writing books one laborious eye-blink
tongue-touch at a time
& you've written so many
your thoughts must taste poisonous
I know your scientist mind needs proof
why would God do this to you?
There must be no one watching
to allow both star-fall
and a body to twist as an oubliette
in the same breath.


My beloved Stephen,
you are mistaken
people are not computers
we are not random compounds with off switches
you cannot recall the first moment of your consciousness
so please don't imagine your last
The things outside of the mind and body
cannot be completely grasped by the mind and body
Even in the darkest black hole
there is hope


So
at the event horizon,
where moments
never fade
I will have that dance-

Jah-dess

Before I begin, let me tell you that, to me, god is a placeholder word

for something that language cannot explain

I'll do my best to try.

You asked me where god was when the towers fell, and I'll tell you-
you remember exactly where you were when you heard the news
because god was coming through
That horror and shock and vomit-tasting disgust you felt-
you knew it was wrong
Things like this shouldn't happen, god whispered,
We shouldn't do these things to ourselves.
In the moments before anger turned to blame- you were aware.

There is no them, there is only us

 

Maybe it's as simple as my mom never cleaning my room,
even though I begged, and that was love.
This is our mess, friends. If nothing changes nothing changes.
I don't believe in a world that can be bought with dollars
(although the foolish will try), it takes a common sense to make things happen
Consciousness. Conscientiousness.

I've watched Pele march into the sea, destroying peaceful gardens in her wake
I couldn't understand what a flower had done wrong
But you can't fight the death lava and ash bring
can't cage it or send it to someone else's garden
sometimes
innocent things are destroyed
so that islands will rise.

I could move to San Francisco where they're kinder to boys in dresses,
but boys can look pretty here.
I could move to France where they have healthcare that makes sense,
but we deserve that here.
I could move to Dharamsala where they understand that peace is patriotic,
but this should be true for all of earth.

 

You asked where god was like there's a timeclock in the sky
and god only checks in sometimes
But honey, god doesn't check out- we do.
I know.
Giving up is the easiest thing you can do.

I sat and planned out my own death- emotionless, selfish
journals thrown away, a past I couldn't face
clothes chosen and gun in hand
and god was there
showed me how that conversation would go for my five-year-old
to be told his mother was dead because I didn't think I was even alive anymore.
god urged, I am to you, what you are to him. Don't do this.
I shrugged, my son was better off, who needs a suicidal mom?
But
you can't tell a child they're better off without hope.
without someone to show them that things will get better,
and all you have to do is not give up.
god whispered in the wind, I am here.

Killing yourself wont bring us closer.

It will tear us apart, my love.
Look into the face of your son to see me
I'm the taste of hope to a starving nation
to be fed and know you are not forgotten
I'm the sound of raindrips to a growing field- effortless.
I'm the smell of a thousand memories we have lived through
together
and a million more we have left to make
I am that feeling of home that lives in you
and you don't have to die to get to it
because I gave it to you so that you could live
and with each breath you have ever taken,
I've done my best to show you
I am right here.

La Chanson de Ma Cœur en Ce Moment.

Merci plus que je peux dire,
Madonna des fleurs de soirée.
Je veux voyage à Bordeaux avec tu
et cueillir de lavande et jonquille
dans les collines.
je veux enfiler des rubans dans vos cheveux
et embrasser votre nez parfait


Mais, pour l'instant,
j'ai assassiné chaque précipiter
Je fais le travail difficile;
nettoyage de ma maison
et de l'esprit

Je suis d'être présenté à moi-même,
et j'ai une raison d'aller lentement.


Tout doucement: la chanson de ma cœur en ce moment.

Attente (Expect)

I hope you don’t mind
when I don’t say
all those deep things
you expect me to say
I’m just not able
to be the perfection
you expect me to be.
I know I’m a little more
than a disappointment
well, I’ll just shrug
I never said what to expect
I just said
I’d show up.

J'espère que cela ne vous dérange pas
quand je ne dis pas
toutes ceux choses profondes
vous voulez me faire dire
je ne peux pas être la personne idéale
vous voulez que je sois.
Je sais que je suis un peu moins
d'une déception géant
bien, je vais que haussement d'épaules
Je n'ai jamais dit à quoi s'attendre
Je viens de dire
je serais ici

L'écrit

l'idée sur le bout de ma langue
je dois évincer comme la salive
c'est une ébullition de phrase
Je suis droite cette fois, je sais que je suis
me prenant à la fin de ma langue
pourrait être la passion
pourrait se connecter à la chaleur l'intérieur de vous
dans chacun d'eux et brûler à travers
l'inutilité de ma vie
si vous pouvez y aller avec moi
juste pour cette fois-
si seulement vous pouviez comprendre
la fin de ma langue
murmura comme vouloir
si seulement je pouvais mettre des mots
ce que mon cœur
peut si facilement
mettre à toucher

But It Came- for tiff.

you said it wouldn’t rain
                  my love; lover.
safe in your arms
and the world snickers
all our beauty together
my back is strong
                  my love; lover.
there is no fear of disapproval
of a few rocks
and a whole lot of frowns
trust is a hard thing to believe
coming from a liar’s lips
                   trust; trust me.
I will never hurt you
these walls of our room
where we dwell
watering ourselves
flourish and thrive
grabbing for love
which is no longer there
a hand
that’s been long since
pulled away.

Lumière de Port (Harbor Light)

Do comets know?
tails of light through air
with no idea where they’ll burn out
a wink in space
with the hope that someone saw
was there to see
trusting itself to strangers
who may have looked away
(it’s just a plane,
come back to bed)
if only I had the courage
of a comet
to die out so quickly
& fight savagely in memory.


Ne savent comètes?
queues de lumière à travers l'air
avec aucune idée d'où ils vont arrêter de combustion
un clin d'oeil dans l'espace
avec l'espoir que quelqu'un a vu
était là pour voir
se faire confiance à des étrangers
qui pourrait ne pas être regarder
(c'est juste un avion,
revenir au lit)
si seulement j'avais le courage
comme une comète
ils meurent si vite
Et battre sauvagement dans la mémoire.

Worn- Coup de Grâce

like where rubber
meets road
like the leather
of gran’s bible
& face
like my father’s shoes
from walking
when no one would allow him
to ride
like both sides of his thumb
from trying

Fey

awry is scrambled
the explanation- chaotic
merely an eclipse of known
of even-
relevant.
a toe, touching temperature
only to withdraw
the suggestion
of wet.

...

at 12 it was my LIFE
gawking at teen bodies,
just beginning to explore my own
sexy things in books
became a hotness of grown-ups
became a feeling
I didn’t know how to feel
indeed, became the feeling I felt
I should not feel

           the crux of adolescence
           to have every smile- a grin
           every tear- a river
                      but when I wrote, it was to a world removed
                      just my lazy pen
                      hoping and humming for harmony
                      as my heart calls out the beat
                            in words no one would ever read
                            in words I couldn't help but write

Now I’ve learned to feel things difficult
and be as grown-ups are
walking upright and single-file
through a maze of clichés and barbed-wired people
but the child in me still searches for meaning
                          in words no one will ever read
                          in words I can't stop but writing

Nessy

I knew I liked you too much

when I stopped sleeping so well alone.

So deplorable is the taming of a wild-thing

It's no easy feat to let go of my mystery

to build doorways into my walls and carry you in

And it was never easy

to be someone loved
from the next room.

An odd orbit 

where the length & depth

between us 

shifts with the tides

I know lonely like the space between stars

blinking a peek-a-boo morse code

That- is my home.

Close enough to see you 

far enough to never reach you

ask me sometime why 

people are my least favorite animals

& I don't like violence or scary movies.

If I'm honest I'll say-

I'm so tired of fighting the real monster in me.

my evils were forced adoptions

they scurried in at my mother's screams

& hatched the night

cops arrived at my call
to stop him

from killing her
they multiplied the next day
when she bailed him out.

No, I don't want to watch cage fights

I feel it in every blow

I've lived it

& I've lost every time.

you can turn off your tv, or leave

but I can't shut out what's already in

& I can't get any closer than this

can't take another goodbye

I know you don't understand

I threw you out in the middle of the night

then the sky melted.

I felt it
too.

It was 2am risperdol, 3:39 trisadone

it was trying every night to re-learn how to sleep alone.

There's a place in me I can't take you

like the scars on my body I cover

there are moments in my life

that keep repeating

It's horror; it's madness; it's better alone.

I only hope one day you'll know- I pushed you away
to keep you safe.

I have made friends 

with the shadows that follow me,

I have made peace with the sleep I can't seem to get
but I walk in jerky motions
I breathe around a knot in my throat

afraid that my family was right- I don't deserve happiness.

I am too lazy; too selfish.
Still

there are days I fit my shoes

when I say stay away, it's because I care.

It has taken every day of my 32.9 years to see- 

the distance between stars

is necessary for their survival.

To My Gaybours.

I wasn't joking

when I offered

to give you a life

to cradle it for you
for nine turns of our moon

& all too soon hand it over to you.

I wasn't joking

but you looked at me like-

how could I be serious?

take this miracle so lightly? 

probably only to yank it back

once reality set in

I know one thing-

life is reality.

& after

& before

we haven't yet

remembered how to experience.

I know one breath

created by ash and science

is more precious

than a thousand bullets fighting a war

that no one ever remembers escalating

I believe there are things worth living for

there are many

who deserve to create life in their bellies

but can't.

& people who can't fill the holes in their bodies

no matter how hard they try,

yet they make life by accident.

So yes- I think you'd both be great fathers.

I see it in the way you look at him

that you've created love between you.

& where love lives, life grows.

We can start a revolution through union

you know,

my son is still young

but I hope someday
he will become

the kind of men that you are.

the world is better now that he is here.

and we all need
the kind of child

you two will grow

You kissed me like red kisses strawberries

You kissed me like red kisses strawberries

delicately at first thaw

soon the places in me

too eau-de-nil to freckle in sunlight

had ripened cherry

ready for your tongue to taste

summer came early (as it too often does

:you were pulling spring from another

now I am swollen.
grown large with amaranthine promises
I have become your parasitic suckle

trying to feed
the naked seeds in my ribcage.

your lips never sprouted into your legs

wrapped around my sacred fruit

it is a fleck of wheaten sand
I will learn the secret of the Pandyas)
there is spring in my step

and it is as much my discovery to attach

as accepting your abandonment

For Kody

It's an awkward path

From boy to man

We watch our sons evolve

Into a greatness

We could never guess

Etching their own roads

Through canyons of loneliness

And deserts of heartbreak

Roads they must walk alone

But we water the deepest well within them

And hope they carry it throughout

And we call it home

We call it love

Call it god

It is the word mother to a young boy. 

Artist

For you, art has always been
the truth of a moment 

crackling in silence

caught and released

eternally

Art has always been
as brief as our dash of a life,

as long as 

everyone else's

it has always been made for ourselves

Through the eyes
of everyone else

I looked at a crime made dignified

something dirty made fine

and felt the places in the rocks

which parent jewels
from random bits of this

and that

I saw her hands work quickly

defining our humanity

if anything

the artist is a human

being.

Pulling shape from the ether

Connecting herself to places in you she hasn't met,
but yearns to

she creates

to be immortal and out of time

for just a moment
the place she goes is a nebula kaleidoscope
of potential

grasping at a reason and holding her own hand again

Oh yes- that's where she is.

This outer ring of galaxy

Where the creator is creating

I've never met anyone that wasn't an artist

Some stand on the bones of their grandfathers
and build themselves out of cycles of war zones and depravity

each breath in their lungs is 5 million dollars worth of a blank canvas

they know evils that would make hell jealous

yet felt in themselves the places

that take random bits of this and that

and create hope

A reason to survive

for those who have never known justice or kindness

but feel in themselves that it exists

I think of the effort it takes to breathe sometimes,

when the world doesn't make sense

the battle of trying is immense

and I have to let it go

start with nothing else but where I am
and pull in all my experiences and dreams
(the only things that are ever really mine)

remember that the roads behind me and ahead of me
will never matter as much
as the one I'm on right now.

Today. Be louder than the repeating voice which says: you cannot draw 

cannot sing write dance

that you cannot anything
we are as close to reaching our boundaries
as scientist are
to finding the edges of our universe

Terminal

before I knew I was even awake yet

I knew she was next to me

close
does not begin to explain

she was the last light of the sun sink
an ember of hope at dusk
she sewed the sadness in me

she was the first taste of honey
between taste bud and tooth 

she grew the sweet places in me.

there's a reason
why they call it a terminal

I would trade every memory I have
of falling stars

of sunrise
of delicious
only to smell her once again

I would give the rest of my days

for just another with her.

it is unfair

that this world has continued without her

that everyone everywhere
is not crying all the time.

it is unfair that I cannot move on
I am as lost under as I hope she isn't

guilt surrounds me

like gravity.

She left so much undone
I'd leave in a moment
to be with her
if I thought she'd want me there.
I don't write this to remember

I write because I can't forget

every breath I take is proof
that I am moving on

I'll allow her smile to be my smile

she flows through me and now in you

and so, in part,

she has not gone.

Kapakahi (messy/fucked up)

Ha'ole means "no breath" like no spirit 

& that's how white people appear to da locals

I was raised by my calabash antee,

but I saw my pale sistas get beef for being ha'ole

antee liked to talk story, 

she said da locals once welcomed da land of da free wit leis

only to have their last Queen gunned down for cane field money 

See, I spent my childhood at Iolani Palace

fingering the bullet holes that still burn

antee tol me about before Pearl Harbor 

wen da Islands was seen strategically placed

like dakine pawn in one chessgame.

wen I was a Keiki, my bes fren was Japanee

but our histry books tol us dat she look like da enemy

antee said war is always agains frens

antee told me about before americans discovered travel

dat dey could escape to paradise and be pampered

treat our aina like a trashcan for a week.

I watched tourists my whole life; 

turn dey nose up at poi

& shake wit 1/2 naked girls at luaus

dey nevah see da islands

antee tol me bout before highrises blocked Waikiki sunsets

(so dat e'rybudy culd come an see an now only da visitahs can)

you can't put Hawai'i on one pos'cahd, it's in da people you ignore

da people dat call e'rybudy antee, uncle, brudda, sista

it's in da land dey bulldoze for anuddah McDonalds

cuz dey in a rush to get to da shore.

antee tol me bout living off da a'ina

and learning to live from da a'ina

she said dey offered it to da mainland long ago

dut dey didn't have da spirit for understan.

Even

I heard you say- "quit yer bitching- things are even. 

In fact men are oppressed, we can't even whistle 

tell a woman she's beautiful 

and be called an asshole."

I replied a tear in my eye- you're not an asshole, you're ignorant;

you just don't know 

but I have to try and expand your mind
because there was a time when I was blind

see with your third eye

Women are more than babysitters for a male seed

More than a punching meat-bag for an aggressive need

More than a man's vacant hole

proving we're better has never been the goal

once I was naive- Adam ribbed eve that's how it should be.
But what was normal before now seems fucked up to me

I'm not saying it's every man
but if you're gonna whistle then cat-call for us all
'cuz damn, each of us is beautiful.

I'll be the first to admit
I have a strange habit-
carving up my arms and legs to look prepubescent 

& I agreed, he should earn more than me- no ounce of meanness
better qualified solely by the existence of his penis
but our world has just begun!
sing of our revelation
look at my son, I know all about creation.

I'm not an instigator or a man-hater,

I'm just trying to say equal work demands equal pay

and I'm no longer surprised to find
someone's always gonna try to deny
a woman speaking her mind

"we heard all that in the 60's sweetie,

broke laws and burned bras to prove your point, girl"

How is it you can say the word sweetie and it hits like bitch?
and we had to reclaim the word girl after you had your way with it.

I could spout out a statistic

but it wouldn't hit like a cryptic ballistic 

I know you'd miss it
until you see each shattered face behind every covered up case
met the woman who got away
crawled when she couldn't stand
until you see that even as a child, she was more
of man.

don't worry I heard you and it's not me vs you

or even men vs women

there's just a tear-jar in my heart

that shatters apart every time you say we are

Even.

Space Between The Notes

I have never been good at good-bye

always preferring the french exit

I have been known to wander off mid-sentence
afraid of the seriousness of a last moment
good-byes often feel more like love
then a hello ever could

but recently,
I wanted to take every page in every journal I've ever had
& wallpaper my living room
with the constellation of my thoughts.
To weigh out my deep melancholy
to understand
what it all has meant.
I wanted to feel my whole life
in one breath.
(&)
I noticed that when I stop thinking so much
It's possible
imminent
It's all that anything has ever been about

I wanted to see you again
to tell you
sometimes really bad things happen
& that I never wanted them for you
that I've felt
I cant do anything to stop it
I wanted to tell you that I noticed
how you never take yourself seriously
& I guess what I'm trying to say-

it's the space between the notes
that make the music
& it's the times when I go so long
without having your laughter
brim my ears
which makes me glad to know you
I think about how much you love ugly porcelain tchotchkes

which I would like to take a 9 iron to

and how you adore potato salad with extra vinegar and mustard

and my salivary glands pucker in disgust

and how much you love sonic youth

even though I promise you, it's just noise

But, I love that you love differently than I do

in your absence I especially know

this world is too big for my t-rex arms

and I hope when you slink into the dark places at night

you feel the stardust that you've left behind

Oui, Je Pense à Vous

Yes, I'm thinking of you
in case you're wondering
in case you're about to write
it is welcomed
I won't be the sooner
I won't be the savage
I'll be tiptoeing on old promises
that you probably never meant
I'll pretend
you never meant
and think of that fraction
of a second
when things could've been different
but this is the lot we're left
in case you're wondering
the answer is yes
it has never been anything less

I have been waiting for you
will be waiting for you
have never stopped
though you may need to run to catch up
not unlike tomorrow
mine is meager without you
I can barely go there alone
as the places that only you understand
not unlike yesterday
in case you're wondering
in case you're about to write
It is welcomed