Nessy

I knew I liked you too much

when I stopped sleeping so well alone.

So deplorable is the taming of a wild-thing

It's no easy feat to let go of my mystery

to build doorways into my walls and carry you in

And it was never easy

to be someone loved
from the next room.

An odd orbit 

where the length & depth

between us 

shifts with the tides

I know lonely like the space between stars

blinking a peek-a-boo morse code

That- is my home.

Close enough to see you 

far enough to never reach you

ask me sometime why 

people are my least favorite animals

& I don't like violence or scary movies.

If I'm honest I'll say-

I'm so tired of fighting the real monster in me.

my evils were forced adoptions

they scurried in at my mother's screams

& hatched the night

cops arrived at my call
to stop him

from killing her
they multiplied the next day
when she bailed him out.

No, I don't want to watch cage fights

I feel it in every blow

I've lived it

& I've lost every time.

you can turn off your tv, or leave

but I can't shut out what's already in

& I can't get any closer than this

can't take another goodbye

I know you don't understand

I threw you out in the middle of the night

then the sky melted.

I felt it
too.

It was 2am risperdol, 3:39 trisadone

it was trying every night to re-learn how to sleep alone.

There's a place in me I can't take you

like the scars on my body I cover

there are moments in my life

that keep repeating

It's horror; it's madness; it's better alone.

I only hope one day you'll know- I pushed you away
to keep you safe.

I have made friends 

with the shadows that follow me,

I have made peace with the sleep I can't seem to get
but I walk in jerky motions
I breathe around a knot in my throat

afraid that my family was right- I don't deserve happiness.

I am too lazy; too selfish.
Still

there are days I fit my shoes

when I say stay away, it's because I care.

It has taken every day of my 32.9 years to see- 

the distance between stars

is necessary for their survival.