Once Was

When I was a keiki I was fat
I was supa fat
Dey said I looked like one sumo wrestla
it was a compliment!
big girls, on my island, look like money-
Numba one dey can afford to eat
Numba two dey can prolly cook ono grinds
Numba tree if dey can't cook, dey know wherea da good food stay
Big girls have strong curves, a life fulla flava

Dey are survivors.
But when I was 12, my muddah said we was moving to Oklahoma
I had to pull out a map to find out where was
She said- it's da land of da poniolo- da cowboy
I said shoots brah- I like ponies.

I went to highschool in Edmond, Oklahoma
land of the Malibu Barbie

where girls are dying inside
they kept asking if I could hula, if I lived in a grass hut
they kept saying I looked so dark
I looked so dark.
I cut my language on their tongue
my tongue lost it's appetite & I grew small

I didn't want to fit in as much as I didn't want to stick out
in this landlocked state where differences are not celebrated

I contracted their obviously emaciated instead self-worth

When I return home, so much has changed
I have changed
I look more like Malibu Barbie than my auntie
I can't eat as I once could
There are many of us- the nomads
people without a place that we come from
with a dormant vocabulary sitting in our mouths like breastmilk
for the grown

Most of the people I know are on their way

to their bodies

they have bought plane tickets from places

that can never take them home.

My arms aren't big enough to hold them

or maybe that's just an excuse

cuz dere's a reason I stay hea

maybe it's just for say-

sista, memba da time I tol you big girls look like money?

you look like money